Sunday, August 8, 2010

An Open Post to Cumulative Film Ratings (Rotten Tomatoes, I'm Looking at You)

This bunny is angry at you.

Dear Movie Critics,

I love movies. Can you guess why?

Fine, I will tell you.

Because for a few hours, I am completely transported to another world. I like this feeling.

You know what feeling I don't like?

Being fooled. Yes, you read that right.


Watching a movie is a time investment. There's nothing worse than paying 10 bucks to sit through two hours of complete shit. So, as a trusting movie goer, I obviously look to movie critics to decide whether or not a movie is worth seeing.

Let me present some statistics to you, and maybe you can explain yourself.

The Other Guys - 79% Fresh
Really? Really? Come on. The first half of the movie was mediocre at best, but the latter half. OMG. So bad it made my brain want to stab itself to make it all end.

McGruber - 47% Fresh
Even though this movie is considered "rotten", the fact that nearly 1 out of every 2 people who reviewed this movie gave it a thumbs up is really shocking. This movie is one of the worst movies I've ever seen in my life. For real. It's up there next to Kung Fu: Fist of Fury; next to Birth; next to Where the Wild Things Are. I'll get to that in a second.

Where the Wild Things Are - 73% Fresh

Really. Seriously. Nearly 3 out of 4 critics liked this movie. Wow. Wow. WOW. I seriously hated this movie - like I seriously wanted to beat up the kid in the movie because I couldn't stand him. This is unusual because I rarely ever want to beat up kids. I usually just want to put them in a sound proof room with a giant lock. No physical contact required.

But this kid, he brought out the worst in me. I've never felt such resentment towards someone unrelated to me. Agh! I will never get these hours of my life back. I will remember this injustice forever.

Cyrus - 81% Fresh
Zzzz. If you liked sleeping, then you probably gave this movie a great review. Is that the reason why it is so fresh?

Greenberg - 74% Fresh
Zzzz. Another snooze fest.

Anyway, while you are explaining yourself, I would like a refund on my movie tickets please. And part of my life back.

Oh right, that's not going to happen.


No comments:

Post a Comment

Say something good.