Have Cake and Eat It

Hello Cake.

We both know the truth. You are a poser.

Look at you: all crumbly and frosty. Like you're so much better than everyone. Like it takes talent to BE a cake.

You've got disguises to hide all your flaws: frostings, fillings, decorations, fruits, fondant. Come on, what are you hiding from?

Oh yes, the truth.

Another one of your poser (and overpriced) friends showed up in my life recently.

No, not your little cupcake friend.

No, not your teeny ass cakeball friend either.

Your newest, latest friend: the cake jar.

First of all, what the fuck? $6.95 for a tiny jar of cake, fruit preserves, and frosting. Why are you so expensive? Is it the jar? It's got to be the jar, the gimmick, because it sure as hell is not the cake.

For the most part, my cake jar experience consisted of spooning very unhealthy portions of frosting into my mouth. Oh, there were cake crumbles and fruit filling mixed into the frosting, but it was mainly frosting: heavy, dense, super rich frosting.

Dear cake, why do you have to alter yourself so much to be appealing? Stop whoring yourself around. Don't you know we love you as you are - in your simplest and most basic of forms? Next time I see you, it better be in slice form.

Your friend,
The Cookie