Monday, September 13, 2010

Morning Conversations with Mum

I like visiting my mom in Houston. She's always so happy to see me. The only downside is that she loves cooking and packing up BOXES of food for me to take back to Austin. I mean, I appreciate it, but it doesn't help that she makes enough food for a football team or that she always insists on packing a loaf of Mrs. Baird's Bread in her "care package".

Over the years, I've slowly learned to accept that there's really nothing I can say to change the way my mom is, so I pack up her food in my car and drive merrily back to Austin. But, that's not without some funny conversations along the way.

Setting: Three months ago; mum's kitchen; 9 AM

ME: MOM! Why are you making pork chops?
MUM: You like to eat them!
MUM: I make all the time! You eat!
ME: MOM! I've told you a million times: I hate pork chops!
MUM: Okay, I not make no more.

Setting: Last Sunday; mum's kitchen; 8 AM

I walk into the kitchen.

ME: MOM! Why are you making pork chops?
MUM: You like! I make for you!
ME: Oh my god. Okay, just give me the pork chops!
MUM: Teehee. I know you like pork chop!
ME: Ahhhhh!


Setting: Mom, standing in front of the refrigerator last Sunday, poking around her produce drawer

ME: What?
MUM: I find orange! I save this orange for you. This best orange I ever tasted!
ME: MOM! How old is that orange?
MUM: I don't know. Two day, five day. I save for you. Best orange I eat!
ME: Oh my god. Pack it up!


Setting: Mom calling me from work; frequency: every time I come home

MUM: Hello???
ME: Yes, mom?
You see chicken I make for you?
ME: Yes.
MUM: You eat for breakfast?
ME: MOM! I'm not eating fried chicken for breakfast.
Okay, okay. You eat later. You see shrimp I make you?
ME: Yes.
MUM: You eat this afternoon?
ME: Fine, yes, sure.
MUM: What about chicken? You eat that too?
ME: Uh, sure. I'll eat the chicken too.
MUM: Oh, good. I make pork chop for dinner tonight.
MUM: What? How I not know this!
MUM: I call later to see if you eat chicken. Bye!

[30 minutes later]

MUM: Hello? You eat chicken and shrimp?
ME: Mom, it's still morning.
MUM: What! It 10!
ME: I'm going to eat cereal.
MUM: Hmph! Eat cereal! All you eat all day! Get fat from too much cereal! Too much sugar!
ME:  Is fried chicken healthy?
MUM: Huh! Oil good for you!
ME: Mom, I'm not sure what to say here.
MUM: Me go bye. I make pork chop tonight. Don't forget.

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